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“Family, watch meh for a minute, nah!”

And with that bit of local parlance, British funny man John Oliver spoke directly to the people of Trinidad Tobago in a paid address on TV6 last night, calling on accused fraudster Jack Warner to release the documents he claims to have that implicate FIFA (Fédération Internationale de Football Association) in crookedness.

Oliver titled his four-minute address The Mittens of Disapproval Are On in response to Warner’s address to the nation last week titled Jack Warner: The Gloves Are Off, and called out Warner on his threat to “tell all”.

Using sarcasm and silliness, Oliver said Warner, “an absolutely terrible human being”, owed it to the world to speak up, and that for once, Warner not think of himself first.

https://youtu.be/alwba8V1csY

Oliver, host of HBO’s news satire Last Week Tonight, has been using his programme to excoriate FIFA, its disgraced president, Sepp Blatter, and the FIFA officials who found themselves arrested, indicted, fighting extradition or added to an Interpol international wanted list, Warner among them.

Oliver, an avid football supporter, suggested Warner tell all he knew since his son had already pleaded guilty and he had nothing to lose.

Read ‘Comic backlash for Jack’

“It not like you not already potentially in a lot of trouble. Seriously, I have been looking through the indictment and… good luck with that. Cause apparently your sons are already co-operating with the US authorities, so if you don’t it would be quite awkward,” said Oliver.

“Everybody hates you now, I mean literally, everybody. I think it has something to do with you seeming like an absolutely terrible human being. But if you turn on FIFA, do not underestimate how much people might be willing to forgive and if one day you end up in jail and you’re staring up at the ceiling, wouldn’t you be happy to know you took some people down with you?

“It’s like they say. Snitches gets smooches. That’s what they say. That’s the phrase. So please release the documents, Mr Warner, and you may yet salvage your complete tattered reputation. I’m sure FIFA’s goons might come for you, but like they say, ‘Doh hurt yuh head’,” Oliver added.

What Oliver said on TV6 last night:

“Good evening, Trinidad and Tobago.
Sorry for interrupting your regular programming which is, as I understand it, is ‘ Mike and Molly’ starring Melissa McCarthy and a man. My name is John Oliver and I would like to talk to you for a few minutes about FIFA and more specifically Jack Warner.

Last week, he spoke to you on this very channel TV6 and promised/threatened to reveal large amounts of incriminating FIFA documents, and since his preferred mode of communications is evidently purchased time on Trinidad’s TV6, I have bought this time in the hope that he is watching TV6.

Furthermore, I have actually Googled some Trinidadian slangs to help me get my message across so um um. ‘Family watch me for a minute nah!’ ‘What’s the scene?’ ‘I know you getting tabanca right now.’

I’d just pause for a second to allow the people of Trinidad to laugh at the whitest person who ever lived attempting to speak Trini and instead but sounding real dotish ent, but aye aye… Let’s put that aside, Trinidad.

The point is Mr Warner, do not blue-ball the entire planet by promising spectacular FIFA revelations and not delivering. I am begging you. Release everything because here is my argument. Why the hell not? It’s not like you not already potentially in a lot of trouble. Seriously, I have been looking through the indictment and good luck with that. Cause apparently your sons are already co-operating with the US authorities, so if you don’t it would be quite awkward.
And finally, I’ll be honest. This is my main reason. I’m pretty sure you have some absolutely hilarious examples of FIFA corruption. Just look at your former colleague, Chuck Blazer. Since he turned informant for the FBI, we found out that he had an apartment in Trump Tower for the use of his cats. For the use of his cats! We also discovered his love of Halloween costumes because those are real photos (showing a photo). He was mistaken thinking that these photos are more frightening to look at than this, a regular photo of Chuck Blazer. I have no doubt, Mr Warner, that you know as many delicious secrets as he does, and you owe it to the whole world to tell us.

Why should you do it? Well, put it this way, and right now Jack, everybody hates you now, I mean literally, everybody. I think it’s something to do with you seeming like an absolutely terrible human being. But if you turn on FIFA do not underestimate how much people might be willing to forgive and if one day you end up in jail and you’re staring up at the ceiling, wouldn’t you be happy to know you took some people down with you? It’s like they say. Snitches gets smooches. That’s what they say. That’s the phrase. So please release the documents, Mr Warner, and you may yet salvage your complete tattered reputation. I’m sure FIFA’s goons might come for you, but like they say, ‘Doh hurt yuh head’, which I believe means don’t worry about it. For once, Mr Warner, don’t think about yourself, think about everyone else.
Thank you for your time, Trinidad. I’ll now return you to your regular programming, Mike and Molly. I believe this week’s episode is called ‘Melissa McCarthy still can’t get out of her CBS contract’. So I simply say this, goodbye Trinidad, and of course Tobago.”